Whether you are wild and daring in your sex life or as vanilla as a milkshake, you should know about, have, and know how to properly use, safewords. Safe words and their practice are not something most people outside of the fetish or BDSM scenes think about beyond jokes, or memes. Safe words should, however, be more widely and uniformly utilized.

First thing’s first, what are safe words? Although safe words,the usage and words themselves, are ultimately up to you and your partner or partners, there is a generally accepted starting point. A safe word is an agreed upon word, usually something that would be out of the ordinary in the course of sexual communication or “dirty talk” that means no, stop, or time out.

The basic trio of safe words are red, yellow, and green. They are simple and easy to remember, as they correspond to the stop light. Red means stop, yellow means slow down and watch out, and green means go. Regardless of if you are in a fetish or BDSM scene or missionary sex, it is helpful to have a system in place. All sex, even when it includes pain, should have the ultimate goal of pleasure for all involved.

The “stoplight method” can ensure this balance. Green is all good, please continue or let’s get back to what we were doing. Yellow means hold up. You don’t necessarily need things to stop but need a moment to adjust or decide if you are comfortable with an element, position, etc. Red is stop. Flat out stop now. Red is comparable to no, but can be easier and less invasive for some people. Red stops things in their tracks. Whether they stay in the red is up to you, but it gives a hard pause or even an ending to things. These words are simple, easy to use and remember. Again, feel free to use hedgehog or pineapple shake or whatever you feel comfortable with, but the stoplight is a great and popular place to start. It also, as a cohesive group of words that slow, stop, or encourage the sexual situation anyone can understand and follow.

In this blog, we have talked about communication and safety being vital to a full and satisfying sex life ( Talking Sex). Safe words are an extension of this. They are a way for even the most submissive person to have a voice and take control of their enjoyment and limits. They are also a way for the more dominant person in the sexual dynamic to be assured they are pleasing their partner and not crossing any lines or boundaries. The key to safe words, and in fact the only reason they work, is communication and mutual respect. It does no good to say any safe word if your partner is unaware of what they are and what they mean, or if they have no desire to respect and obey them. Like most sexual situations, planning, communication, and respect are the keys to proper safe word usage and success.

When Safe Words are Ignored