On the Back Burner
Tori Douglas on Jul 8th 2022
Who among us does not have that ex? The one that got away. The one we still think about from time to time. If we are honest with ourselves, the answer is probably yes. There is a big difference, however, between thought and action. Keeping an ex on the sexual “backburner” can be harmful for not only your main relationship but also for your mental health. More than 60% of adults report keeping someone as a back burner relationship along with their main committed relationship. They keep these on the side relationships as a backup plan for if and when the main relationship or marriage goes wrong. Even single people can keep people on the back burner, while not committing to a relationship.
A backburner relationship is one that you keep as a potential relationship in addition to your main relationship, or without a commitment. This potential partner can be a new or old relationship, and can be either strictly emotional or also sexual. A backburner relationship is often secret, and not a polyamourous situation, wherein all partners are aware and consenting of each other. Back burners are secret, and so being is also toxic.
Keeping anyone “on the side” can be a risky proposition for both your current, main relationship, and your mental health but a new study is showing that keeping your ex lover on the side can be especially problematic. Many people keep in emotional and sexual contact with an ex even as they form new sexual and emotional relationships. This can be more of an issue than keeping a regular “side” relationship, and more damaging. Sexual feelings can increase after a breakup with an ex, making it more likely to go back to that ex partner even if we are “happy” in a current relationship. Ex partners have been found to be the most desired backburner partners because of the previous sexual and emotional connection. This connection can cause feelings of fear, distress, guilt, or depression after communication or contact with the ex. Contact can be in person, via social media or dating apps. No matter the method, it is the same outcome. We know it is wrong to keep up the contact, even if it is strictly a communication relationship and not sexual. The feelings of remorse can be overwhelming. Having an ongoing relationship with an ex partner is an indicator of a lack of closure in the ex relationship, which in itself can be harmful for your mental health. Closure of any past relationship is healthy for moving on. Lack of closure can lead to feelings of regret and longing, even damage to our current, seemingly committed relationship.
Keeping an ex on the backburner can be a temporary high, but a long term problem. Getting closure in past relationships is good for both our mental health and our current, committed relationships. Moving on from past relationships and moving on to new relationships is much better in the long run.